Tag Archives: life

Mad Wish

I’ve seen myself
in many-too-many forms
of darkness, of madness,
of dark mess and mad mess…

Others have seen themselves
too…
in those moments, have they?
Chased by tick-tocks, tuts, sneers…
Haunted by the past, the present, the future, and the parallels
Or it’s just a mad guess?
Of is it just me, mad, I guess?

However, no matter how often.
It always feels new…
The unbearable state of half-asleep and half-awake,
and completely wondering
to the point of there’s no point in thinking at all.
Because it’s the thoughts, that harass, the thoughts…

I guess I just miss you, no?
You around. Now you’re so far.
I just miss you around.
But now you’re there afar.
And I just miss you… around…
this is too far. I miss you…

Around and around, these thoughts.
I hope I come around.
These thoughts in the nights,
I hope will never be around…
I hope it’s not a mad wish.
I wish a mad wish…

 

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Gladly Crying

As the dream starts in a sequence i recognize
I will take all risks to end it
Asking everything to change
Into another everything…

Distant universe,
Where the rain is warm
And the flame is calm…

Without any reasons you will be gone
And i don’t need to remember
Why i forced you to materialize your art
Your passion…
To win something you already have.
You always have.

It is not like my cloud
Your grey is different
Yours is delightful.
The lightning is shy
Yet brave. But loud enough,
To make me wonder.

And seeing that
I am gladly crying.
My desire gone.
All to fly into that sky…
That is rich and heart.
And limitless…
Never ending promise.

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Serigala Tanpa Ekor

Serigala yang lebih sadis,
hidup atau mati… Siapa yang rela?
Beda, dia tanpa ekor.
Tanpa cara memahami cinta
untuk sendirinya,

hanya melolong
di tengah-tengah,
antara bulan… bukit gelap,
dan gulita yang biru lebam.

Taringnya menangis,
merah penuh marah, kadang setengah iba.
Karena dia tanpa ekor. 
Setengahnya lagi, berkilau duka.

Lupakan senja,
Bulan yang setengah saja
tiba-tiba gerhana.
Bagai tutup mata, dan buka mulut. 
Merintih, merintih pada benci.
Pada sendiri.

Lukanya menyakiti,
Dari lahir tanpa ekor.
Tanpa cinta, sang serigala.
Hanya melolong,
menyapa kabut… merangkul pelukan abu-abu,
yang dicari, lewat gigi-gigi tajam.

Serigala tanpa ekor,
kapan ada yang menyayangi?

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I Learn To See The Big Picture

I learn that sometimes,
I’ve got to see the big picture to understand something better.

And to capture that view,
firstly, I need to pull myself away from that something or someone,
or between, or both.

I learn that being too close to something,
could blind you about what’s really going on and what’s not.

I learn that getting closer doesn’t mean you’ll understand more, or less.
It’s just, that’s not the way things work here.
Proximity isn’t really a factor for intimacy, I guess.

I learn that loving someone, doesn’t always mean you can make him/her happy.

Sometimes, you gotta pull away, pull yourself freaking away and…
see the big picture.

I learn that holding onto your belief could be false too,
the thing you think is right, has a chance to be wrong.
Just because you think something is right, it doesn’t make it right.
Just because you think that the sun is cold, it doesn’t make it cold.
It won’t. The sun’s still igneous.

I learn that feelings are not eternal.
Sometimes you’re sad about something, but you move on.
Sometimes you’re happy about something, but you need to go on.
Sometimes you’re empty, and you need to feel sad or happy.
Sometimes, being sad is better than being empty.

I learn that sometimes, sometimes happens.
There’s always a chance for everything to happen.
That means, there’s also always a chance that nothing will happen.
And when it happens, it happens.
But when it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

I learn that things are going to change,
whether you like it or not,
whether it’s neccessary or not,
whether you realize it or not,
whether you accept it or not.

I learn that I’ll always have something new to learn about.
I learn that what I learn won’t always make me smart,
I learn about inconsistency, cognitive dissonance,
The thing we called “between”.

I learn that when I found myself lost and dumbfounded, sometimes,
what I need to do is to pull myself away.
A moment. Awhile.
To see the big picture…

I learn that in the end,
maybe what I really need to have to survive is…
an understanding,
or at least,
the willing to understand…

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The Power Of Being Alone

Most of the days I wish you’re there for me are over.
Turned out, I handled them by myself. And I am proud of myself for that.

Why I ever thought I couldn’t go on without you anyway? Should I know I am this strong, I wouldn’t begged a candy from a stranger.

Can’t believe I even once sent myself to a conventry. Pretend like I’m a tumbleweed stuck in a rut, rolling lost, hollow, and done, in an empty desert.

I laughed at how silly I was. I am actually capable of being happy by my own. That’s ultimate. Most people feel strong when they’re coupled. I’d say, I’m stronger in my own way. With or without a lover. My internal are stronger than the external.

I am not single, I am in a relationship with myself.

I am focused. I put myself first, I make myself happy, I protect myself from being hurt, I love myself. And if someone tells me that I am wrong to feel that way or to live my life that way. I wonder what I or other people in my position should be feeling?

Lonely? Put ourselves last before people so we can be loved? Be sad so people will pity us? Be distracted by everyone who’s offering love? Be fragile and wait for someone to mend our wounds? Hate ourselves? No, big no-no!

I will be happy, it’s not mainstream. Most people won’t understand. But I won’t rush, if I meet someone who’s right, I will try. If it doesn’t work, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just wasn’t meant to be. Of course.

Whichever way, I can still be happy.

Yeah. Most of the days I wish you’re there for me are over.
Turned out, I’ve found the power of being alone.
And I am happy. And that’s ultimate.

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