More Than a Shiver

It is the waiting that kills
Each second amuses the mind with
Playful scenario of how it would go
And stay, or leave…

Little by little, that happens.
That doesn’t. Build up a house of mockery.
Self disempowering, self neglecting.

Until the anger takes the stage.
It throws everything to protect
Its defense is offensive,
It knows only how to fight…
Coz anger was born from feeling not safe.
Realizing now one will come to rescue,
But oneself.

And the next are the tears.
They try to clean the warfield.
Wash the flame of anger,
Because they know…
It is wrong and right at the same time.
Who can judge. When you hurt when you’re hurt.

But acception is rarely ever the end
Denial is the loyal visitor
In the end,
All will turn to ego to go.
You know it happens,
It is more than a shiver.

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I Paperplane You

How can I don’t fly?
When you give me all good, better than all I can expect.
Treat me so well, though I act like hell.
Do me so much love, while I’m really hateable.

And you bring me to more than one heaven.
You told me that getting lost is fun,
I started to believe in that.

I have the things you don’t like,
you do the things I don’t like,
but why it doesn’t matter that much anymore.

When you are not around,
and I am doing nothing related to you,
The memories of us can knock my head,
like your ruffle on the top of my head,
and this sillyness, drags my lips to smile.

How can I explain this?
I don’t know for sure,
I am starting to enjoy this.

I’m grateful for this flight, I paperplane you…

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Serigala Tanpa Ekor

Serigala yang lebih sadis,
hidup atau mati… Siapa yang rela?
Beda, dia tanpa ekor.
Tanpa cara memahami cinta
untuk sendirinya,

hanya melolong
di tengah-tengah,
antara bulan… bukit gelap,
dan gulita yang biru lebam.

Taringnya menangis,
merah penuh marah, kadang setengah iba.
Karena dia tanpa ekor. 
Setengahnya lagi, berkilau duka.

Lupakan senja,
Bulan yang setengah saja
tiba-tiba gerhana.
Bagai tutup mata, dan buka mulut. 
Merintih, merintih pada benci.
Pada sendiri.

Lukanya menyakiti,
Dari lahir tanpa ekor.
Tanpa cinta, sang serigala.
Hanya melolong,
menyapa kabut… merangkul pelukan abu-abu,
yang dicari, lewat gigi-gigi tajam.

Serigala tanpa ekor,
kapan ada yang menyayangi?

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It grows, without notice nor whisper… but the night that screams,
calls upon the 58 drafts of versusable self-debate. That, I wrote.
One of them was this, titled with Feeling Blue & Pink:

“I can describe it as having words unspoken
or love unchannelled, stuck in my own heart,
the feeling lingers like orange on fingers.
it’s tasty yet somehow rusty, expired to sour evil
…a feeling of being dizzy with your head on level.”

Layers of thought are found,
upon opening a drama almost named with Happiness is Sad.

Conclusion is very near to say the brain is so heart-conquered,
giving birth to wicked speeches from the womb of bloody battlefield,
this time it’s called Whole Hunger:

“You are not a thing, but exist beyond.
Blue water bottle to drink…
Plastic containing air, neither breathable nor thinkable.
On my hands, board and broad.
Everything, holding my everything.


Letting the words control, and the mind let go.
Rules that apply, to perish to tonight.
As emotions leaks and logic breaks,
wishfully obeying a new slavery,
of self-forgetting.

No identity.
As the world shows no empathy,
in the end it buries; body, soul, mind, into soils.
Left only awhile of cries, from those who one day,
will join… there, even they aren’t prepared.
Until comma, comma, dots, dots, cross…

Lies burning blue scheme, where…
I resist myself, and desist ego.
Carelessly following,
hopelessly self-not knowing.

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After 25

Reflecting to myself before leaving my 25. Some people ask me how it feels like to be at where I am now (on this age and lifestyle). I like to tell them I have no answer. Ask me again when I fall hard to the bottom line and most probably i still won’t have the answer. Neither when I make it to the top.

I don’t know how life happens. It just does.
One day you wanted to be alone, but suddenly someone comes and you’re officially with someone. How did it happen? Ask life.
One day you wanted to have an easy life, but then your life is full of struggle. How did it happen? Ask life.
That also applies for when you want a challenging life, but you got an easy one and then you jump yourself into troubles.
Ask life, why sometimes it gives us lots of options and yet sometimes leaves us optionless.
Ask life, why it screws us at times, and sometimes it soothes us in other times.

But terribly, life is as answerless as most of us do. It just happens, giving out no explanation. I believe life treats us differently. But then, I stop searching for explanation and gives out my energy and mind to just enjoy it. The dark and light side of it. I promise myself, I will do less to understand life, and will do more to just live it.

And then comes times to the talk about love, the popular topic for everyone, why it comes and why it goes? This time, I will tell you to ask love. Do love and life have problem and don’t want to be together? Because it’s undeniably true that life is getting more and more loveless. People hate each other, people judge each other, people screw each other, people treat others like they’re not people. That is not for me to answer, ask life, ask love.

So, leaving 25. I don’t want to think I’m wiser in anyway cause I don’t have the right mind to care for the answers. All I wanted to do is to chill myself down when the flames are up around me, and just to find better shoes to walk my life journey when the rocks are heavy and sharp. I won’t say I will prioritize love coz’ it is all I need, no it’s not. I don’t think it is. I won’t promise anything and anyone. I want people around me to think less of me, because I don’t want to be what worries them. I don’t want people to love me deeply, because I can’t promise them I will love them back. I will stay as who I am from before, someone who changes from time to time.

So, hello 26! Be good to people around me, because when you’re good to them, they will be good to be with me. I wish they got lots of love, so they will be lovely. Give them less problems, so they can share more joy. And give them more strength when it comes times I act insecurely wicked. And give them more patience to deal with my cruelty when my mind is hurting. I wish them all the best, because when they become the best, that means I will be surrounded by honey and glitters. Cheers!

Now, it’s your turn to say a thing or two, life. I told them to ask you. Cheers!

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