Category Archives: Personal Thought

How Would I Live Alone In The Future?

Until now, there’re these questions I couldn’t ensure myself to answer.

“What’re you going to do when you’re old?”

“Are you going to get married?”

“Living in some fancy big house?”

“How are you going to live? From the saving you made?”

“How are you going to live in the future by yourself?”

I have no idea. None.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m going to get married. There, it automatically kills the idea of having children. Evenless, grandchildren. However, I’ve this vision. That puts my heart and mind in peace despite of all the ingnorances flagging in my soul.

I’ll be sitting in a nice comfy wooden chair, it shouldn’t be neccessarily a rockery. Just a chair that doesn’t exhaust my hip and back is enough. I also can see the room I’ll be in, it’s not too bright, but it’s not too dark neither. It’s shady. The air is glowing with the smell of lemongrass, basil and some sort of flowers I don’t recognize. It’s crisp, it’s like the air near a waterfall. The atmosphere is like in the forest after a small rain. It’s calm, serene, daring, mysterious, mesmerizing and divine. I adore it, it’s like looking right through the eyes of the person I love for this first time. I’m going to enjoy it.

Then there will be these big and small bookshelves placed in the room, full of books. I’m going to have all the books I’ve always wanted to read!!! Books from all around the world. German, India, Palestine, Sweden, France, everywhere. And I’ll be reading them to spend my time, and by the time I get bored, I’ll watch movies. Or write my own story. Or draw the characters that always hauntingly popping out in my head. I’m gonna make them noticed by the world through the story I’ll make. They’ll be popular. Famous and infamous. Well, some of them are not that protagonist, I must admit.

Yes, that’s what I can say about how I would live in the future. I’m going to have all the books I’ve always wanted to read, and I’ll have the time for all of them!!! We’re going to be a good family, living In that forest near a waterfall. I’m gonna spend my old body like that I guess, not forgetting that I’ll have my favorite tea mixed with honey or chamomile or lemon or lavendar or else, anytime I’ll like them to come. I’ll also have all the fruit and vegetables I love. That’s perfect.

***

Yes, that’s how. I can imagine, the life I’m going to live in the future.

Even though I’ll be alone (hopefully not). 

I still can enjoy the life by myself.

It’ll still be a happy ending.

My very own kind of happy ending.

***

**

*

Advertisements
Tagged , , ,

I Learn To See The Big Picture

I learn that sometimes,
I’ve got to see the big picture to understand something better.

And to capture that view,
firstly, I need to pull myself away from that something or someone,
or between, or both.

I learn that being too close to something,
could blind you about what’s really going on and what’s not.

I learn that getting closer doesn’t mean you’ll understand more, or less.
It’s just, that’s not the way things work here.
Proximity isn’t really a factor for intimacy, I guess.

I learn that loving someone, doesn’t always mean you can make him/her happy.

Sometimes, you gotta pull away, pull yourself freaking away and…
see the big picture.

I learn that holding onto your belief could be false too,
the thing you think is right, has a chance to be wrong.
Just because you think something is right, it doesn’t make it right.
Just because you think that the sun is cold, it doesn’t make it cold.
It won’t. The sun’s still igneous.

I learn that feelings are not eternal.
Sometimes you’re sad about something, but you move on.
Sometimes you’re happy about something, but you need to go on.
Sometimes you’re empty, and you need to feel sad or happy.
Sometimes, being sad is better than being empty.

I learn that sometimes, sometimes happens.
There’s always a chance for everything to happen.
That means, there’s also always a chance that nothing will happen.
And when it happens, it happens.
But when it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

I learn that things are going to change,
whether you like it or not,
whether it’s neccessary or not,
whether you realize it or not,
whether you accept it or not.

I learn that I’ll always have something new to learn about.
I learn that what I learn won’t always make me smart,
I learn about inconsistency, cognitive dissonance,
The thing we called “between”.

I learn that when I found myself lost and dumbfounded, sometimes,
what I need to do is to pull myself away.
A moment. Awhile.
To see the big picture…

I learn that in the end,
maybe what I really need to have to survive is…
an understanding,
or at least,
the willing to understand…

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

The Power Of Being Alone

Most of the days I wish you’re there for me are over.
Turned out, I handled them by myself. And I am proud of myself for that.

Why I ever thought I couldn’t go on without you anyway? Should I know I am this strong, I wouldn’t begged a candy from a stranger.

Can’t believe I even once sent myself to a conventry. Pretend like I’m a tumbleweed stuck in a rut, rolling lost, hollow, and done, in an empty desert.

I laughed at how silly I was. I am actually capable of being happy by my own. That’s ultimate. Most people feel strong when they’re coupled. I’d say, I’m stronger in my own way. With or without a lover. My internal are stronger than the external.

I am not single, I am in a relationship with myself.

I am focused. I put myself first, I make myself happy, I protect myself from being hurt, I love myself. And if someone tells me that I am wrong to feel that way or to live my life that way. I wonder what I or other people in my position should be feeling?

Lonely? Put ourselves last before people so we can be loved? Be sad so people will pity us? Be distracted by everyone who’s offering love? Be fragile and wait for someone to mend our wounds? Hate ourselves? No, big no-no!

I will be happy, it’s not mainstream. Most people won’t understand. But I won’t rush, if I meet someone who’s right, I will try. If it doesn’t work, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just wasn’t meant to be. Of course.

Whichever way, I can still be happy.

Yeah. Most of the days I wish you’re there for me are over.
Turned out, I’ve found the power of being alone.
And I am happy. And that’s ultimate.

Tagged , , , , ,

Do Coincidences Happen Coincidentally?

First of all, the thing that made me write this post is because of George.

Well, to be precise, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy (anyway, there’s going to be a little spoiler here); it was on season 6 episode 1 where they found out that the person with the severe damage was actually George.

Here’s where it gets funny, randomly I paused the movie for awhile to check on an E-Newspaper (Jakarta Globe) and saw an advertisement about Asus Nexus 7 which I found interesting. I clicked on it to get the details. There, I found a link to a video; I clicked on it and the first line in that advertisement was, “this is George.”

and I was like – – – – – Seriously? George?

I know that is not something significant. It’s not like I have some kind of 6th sense or so. But, I am just really wondering if, by any chance, coincidences don’t coincidentally happen at times. I mean, it’s not seldom that I found myself wake up at the same time in the middle of my sleep (some kind of biological clock or what?), or when I have an acne on the left side of my face; another acne will appear on the right side of my face, at the same lining position to the first one.

Why are those coincidences somehow don’t seem coincidental at all.

As if they are a sign of something, a preminition of whatever it is.

While these events keep happening, I then started to take a note of every not-so-coincidentally coincidence that occurs. As many as I can recall, I think these coincidences are, well, suspicious, or just plain silly.

First,
I was born on the date 16,
I was ranked 16 twice while I’m in school, and oh…
I was the second son in my family. So, it’s like 16, 2×16, and 2 …
or I’m just making those numbers in my mind?

Second,
when I am thinking about a song in my head,
somehow, another person near to me will sing it or play it.
Maybe, I have some kind of telepathy talent or whatever. Coincidence?

Third,
when I don’t want to see a person,
I keep meeting them, or seeing them.
It’s actually pretty annoying.
I have a reason why I don’t want another encounter with them.
But I think God is telling me not to run from my problem, but face it?

Fourth,
when I want to answer a question from my teacher or lecturer,
I will say “me, me, me” in my head repeatedly and I will be picked to answer.
When I don’t want to answer, I still get picked.
Well, so I guess this is getting more and more pointless.

Okay okay, for the last one I was only joking. But seriously, I swear some coincidences are so not coincidental. I mean, look at George.

That must be a sign for something, right? George!
G.E.O.R.G.E ,
it’s a six letter word! Six!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Relationships Are Like Books?

 

I suppose, relationships are like books.

Entering the battlefield of love is like walking into a bookstore, or a library, or anywhere else

bookful (like it’s even a word). On the left side, to the right side, on all side, to all possible side.

I find shelves with tags, some are familiar to me, some are not, some I am not sure if I’m familiar

or not. Just like the real world where I hunt for relationship.

I wonder, I wonder, which section is going to suit me best?

Sometimes, I choose based on reasons. A lot of the other time, I choose because of something

I’m ashamed to say—–fate (in whispering volume). But whatever section it is, I’ll find books.

And here’s when it gets tricky.

Finding things, doesn’t always mean you can have them, right?

There, then, like I said before, relationships are like books. Furthermore, the finale question

is always the same, “So, what’s my book?” What genre would satisfy me? How thick I can

manage to read? What cover I’d like to stare, again… and again?

Thus, I wonder, I wonder, which book is going to suit me best?

I wander my eyes, as far as my sight can go, as far as I can take into my focus. Books, are all

around the place. Big books, small books, diary full of personal things, self- learning books that

(probably would) help me to reinvent myself, fantasy fictions that will make me live in the

non-existing world? Or maybe I’d like to try the tragic drama? Mystery? Astrology? Darn, it’s

hard.

Confusing, because the more choices you have,

the harder you can think right and take the right decision.

Nevertheless, I go to the next step, because I have to. I go (or I went?) to the next step. I believe

that time doesn’t wait for anyone, who knows what tomorrow bears.  Thus, here’s what I do, a

little warm greeting to begin with. “Hello, books, please be nice to me.” I said to myself withan

inaudible voice. After that, I continue to another step, I started to choose. And I find that-of

course subjectively-some books don’t even get my attention, the ones I like to have are too

expensive to purchase, the others? Well, I don’t think I’ll understand so I skip them. Above all, I

only want to say that these-get rejected-books, are not ‘not qualified’ enough, it’s just, they are

not (again) fated with me.

Now, what happens to the others that are fated with me?

Long road, long-long road they go. Some, I can enjoy since the beginning to the end (a very rare

case), some, I must struggle to stay at the boring-tiring beginning to get to the fun part. In some

other cases, I give up because I’m not committed enough to finish them. Some, I could

finish without any problem. But even for the finished books, some are not even in my memory at

all, some are lost even before I can save them, some I accidentally find again in my long-long

forgotten treasure box, some I can’t describe what I actually feel about it. Some, become my

favorite. Some others, I hate.

But books are easier than relationships.

When you choose them, they don’t reject. When you buy them, they won’t cheat on you and go

the become someone else’s. When you choose to want to read them again more seriously, they

don’t forbid you. They are not alive. It’s easier. But relationships, for crying out loud, are harder

to understand. Anyway, to some certain levels, I still think that relationships are like books

because no matter what, they always give you something to think about, and some feelings to feel

about, despite how insignificant they are.

So, now, now, I wonder, I wonder, what book are you reading?

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: