When I Shop

When I shop,

I forget my problems, I forget the people who hurt me, I forget the unrequited love that haunts me, I forget the dream I logically know I can’t achieve, I forget that I can’t change those things as I wish for. I forget that I can’t no matter what I try, and thus why, when I can forget them, it is a huge relief.

When I shop,

I feel free and I feel like I’m in control, I can choose things. Yes, I am in control. I know exactly what I can get, what I can’t afford, what I want, and what I don’t. So I won’t be having a false hope, I won’t be hurt by stupid expectations. I know exactly the things I’ll welcome to my life.

When I shop,

I can imagine the future I’ll have with the new things I bought. I can buy my future! How cool is that? How fun is that? I can! I really can! Red, blue, yellow, my life is in my hands. No more stupid boss to tell me which color is the better one. No more rules to tell me which is supposed to be paired with which. I can pay my boss to shut up, I can bribe the rules to adapt with my needs. I can really hold my own future.

Yes, when I shop,

I believe I can! I forget the stuffs I don’t want to do but I still do just because I cannot not to do them. I can have the vacation I want, in time I want to enjoy it. My life is my own.

When I shop,

I see the world and life smiling at me. As if everything is going to be all right. Earthquake won’t even shake my heart, tsunami won’t drown me into the nothingness.

When I shop,

I feel secure. I feel I am in charged for my own life. What I want, what I don’t, what I’ll wear, what I won’t, what I’ll have, what I will not, and so on and so on. Plus, it’s easy, I don’t need to struggle to feel that happy.

When I shop,

I think about it like this. I spent money for the things I am going to have, and they are going to be there, when I am sad and feel lonely. They won’t go away, because they are mine and that’s comforting. I believe I won’t be betrayed, I don’t need to worry if they are going to run away or get out from my life one day. I can keep them as long as I want to.

When I shop,

I remember all of the money I am forced to spend to pay for the things I don’t want to. And I feel like I deserve the contrary. I compare the money I’m going to spend to buying alcohol and drugs. Yes, it’s a better choice.

When I shop,

I feel new. I feel that I can fix my past mistakes, I can throw away the part of me I don’t want to have. I can shape myself to be as good as I wanted to be, to be as happy as I wanted to be.

When I shop,

I feel alive, because I am after something, and I know it’s really there and it’s not just my imagination.

When I shop,

I feel positive, and happily ever after is truly possible.

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