Close Too Far

Dear my heart,

do you remember the time when we used to walk home together, or to sit down on a lazy bench while we’re on a school break? Do you still remember the time you talked about how boring mrs. Lee’s teaching is?

“I think she has picked the wrong job.” You said.

“You think so?” I responded.

“Yeah, she’ll better be an insomniac therapist. She’s just lullabizing. And that suits her best.”

And we laughed our ass off. You know what? I really miss that time, especially the sound you made when you laughed.

And I hope you haven’t forgotten this one too.

Usually, after the school bell rang, you ran to your class, I ran to mine. But before I got into my class, I turned back my head to see you once again. I found you did the same silly thing.

Weird, isn’t it? I always think that it wasn’t a coincidence, was it? Now, I really wish when I turned back my head, you’re still there. But you can’t. Not anymore.

And, oh… do you remember how we used to walk home together? Do you want me to tell you what’s the coolest thing about it? Here it is!

We didn’t hold each other’s hand, but I felt like we’re connected, closer, tighter, and deeper than how the skin interactions can make.

Did you feel the same?

I hope so. I really hope so, because frankly I must say that I still feel the same, now, even when you are already… gone.

I miss you a lot. And it kills me inside. I just really miss you. Every memory I have about you, strikes me brutally, constantly.

Like on one day, I suddenly remember the reminiscence when we were in college, we walked home together. I always wonder if you know that I purposely walked slower? Made my steps shorter so I could spend more time with you? At times, I’d look at you, admire how beautiful you were, and enjoy making you upset by letting you walk in those new shoes you just bought that bruised your foot.

“Don’t wear them if they hurt.” I said, worried about your foot.

“I can’t, I look good in these.”

“You look good in anything, silly, and when you’re wearing nothing on your foot.”

And your upset face turned absurd. A priceless expression I must say. And I laughed while remembering it, but tears keep flowing out from my eyes at the same time. I must have been crazed out by you. Or the memories of you.

Damn it. Damn it.

I really miss you.

I hope I can do those memories once again, or better to make new ones. But this wish I am having is not realistic. I really hope so. But I know it won’t come true. I’ve lost my chance. You’re married now, your childern are having different father, yeah, I’ve lost my chance. And I really regret it.

I supposed to tell you before you’re this far, yet close to me. Now, it’s impossible to say the thing I always wanted to tell you. I lost my chance, but you know what?

“Trust me, I still love you. Inside, outside, all-side.”

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