After 25

Reflecting to myself before leaving my 25. Some people ask me how it feels like to be at where I am now (on this age and lifestyle). I like to tell them I have no answer. Ask me again when I fall hard to the bottom line and most probably i still won’t have the answer. Neither when I make it to the top.

I don’t know how life happens. It just does.
One day you wanted to be alone, but suddenly someone comes and you’re officially with someone. How did it happen? Ask life.
One day you wanted to have an easy life, but then your life is full of struggle. How did it happen? Ask life.
That also applies for when you want a challenging life, but you got an easy one and then you jump yourself into troubles.
Ask life, why sometimes it gives us lots of options and yet sometimes leaves us optionless.
Ask life, why it screws us at times, and sometimes it soothes us in other times.

But terribly, life is as answerless as most of us do. It just happens, giving out no explanation. I believe life treats us differently. But then, I stop searching for explanation and gives out my energy and mind to just enjoy it. The dark and light side of it. I promise myself, I will do less to understand life, and will do more to just live it.

And then comes times to the talk about love, the popular topic for everyone, why it comes and why it goes? This time, I will tell you to ask love. Do love and life have problem and don’t want to be together? Because it’s undeniably true that life is getting more and more loveless. People hate each other, people judge each other, people screw each other, people treat others like they’re not people. That is not for me to answer, ask life, ask love.

So, leaving 25. I don’t want to think I’m wiser in anyway cause I don’t have the right mind to care for the answers. All I wanted to do is to chill myself down when the flames are up around me, and just to find better shoes to walk my life journey when the rocks are heavy and sharp. I won’t say I will prioritize love coz’ it is all I need, no it’s not. I don’t think it is. I won’t promise anything and anyone. I want people around me to think less of me, because I don’t want to be what worries them. I don’t want people to love me deeply, because I can’t promise them I will love them back. I will stay as who I am from before, someone who changes from time to time.

So, hello 26! Be good to people around me, because when you’re good to them, they will be good to be with me. I wish they got lots of love, so they will be lovely. Give them less problems, so they can share more joy. And give them more strength when it comes times I act insecurely wicked. And give them more patience to deal with my cruelty when my mind is hurting. I wish them all the best, because when they become the best, that means I will be surrounded by honey and glitters. Cheers!

Now, it’s your turn to say a thing or two, life. I told them to ask you. Cheers!

See You Today

The night is already a morning.
I am sitting in front of my flashy window,
trying to understand what I am feeling.
Or what might you feel about what I am feeling.
Or what might happen when this feeling perishes,

But wait,
What if it stays? And you don’t?
Or if it leaves? And you stay?
I know it’s fragile, you might leave, you might stay.
When we meet for the first time.
The morning is my tonight. I realized it just now.

How is it possible to be afraid of losing someone,
when you’re actually not mine yet?
My new favorite song is playing whisperingly in a bold scream,
“Wherever you are, I’ll always make you smile.”
It says.

And funny, when I read my message for you,
“See you today.”
It says.
“Not tomorrow, because today is already tomorrow.”
It says.

“Kono saki nagai koto zutto…
douka konna boku to zutto…”
The song says.

I decided to close the day,
to start it again in the next few hours.
My new favorite song, and person, and mystery.
“I promise you ‘forever’ right now”
The song says.

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If You’re My Alphabets

Amazing how you never realized how much you mean for me.

Be like who you are and who you are not, I couldn’t ask for more or less.

Consider this a lie, but if you’re a sin, you’re worth the hell.

Do not ever fear the feelings I have for you, trust me…

Even if you don’t feel the same about me, I don’t mind.

Fly, because I will never cage you down.

Go wherever you wish for, whenever you feel like it.

Hopefully, someone on your side, has a deeper heart for you.

If you’re my alphabets,

Just to make sure you know, they’re never enough to express all I have for you

Killer of my pride and dignity,

Love is not what I feel about you.

Much more than just love, much much more than just love.

Needless to say, you’re always more than anything I could ever define.

Of your good side, of your bad side, over all of that,

Please, if I give you a cold shoulder, understand that sometimes it hurts.

Questioning my own senses and logics, or…

Raving about how I like you and hate you at the same time.

Stay sane, is not as easy as it sounds anymore.

There are times I secretly push you away so I can breath.

Utter essence of what makes me happy and sad,

Very deadly,

Well, this is not like finding out the value of

in mathematics.

Yonder, is how I am, when trying to leave you, it is like being constantly decreased until reaching…


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The Promise

The more you grow up,
the older you get,
the more you will realize that world is such a messed-up cruel place.

It is,
no matter how you deny it,
and the sadder fact is a lot of people adapt to be as cruel and mean,
for survival’s sake.

That’s understandable,
but not exactly how I believe life should work,
so I promise myself, 

“I don’t want to be like the world. I won’t be cruel, and I’ll still survive.”

Because being tender-hearted is not a matter of personality,
it’s pure a choice you make.
A lot of commitment, but worth it.
It doesn’t guarantee that people will give back kindness to you,
but that’s never the point.

It’s pointless,
but that’s exactly what life is all about,
we struggle, we hurt each other,
for what? In the end we’ll all be gone.
And the hurtings will only stain the story.
The story where we all have the same ending.

And that’s why I make the promise,
not to have a better ending.
It’s not changeable,
but the passage, the middle part of life.
That’s what the promise is all about.

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When you want to be a good person
for some people,
but that means you’re a bad person
for others.

Like, at times it is right to do wrong things
and doing the right thing is actually…


And most of the time you are both at once,
bad and good, right and wrong.
And you love yourself and don’t
because of what you do and don’t.
And you try, not to try too much.
Because you know the result is always both.


But that’s life, it’s always… that deadly.
And in the end, no one really knows themselves.
But how come they think they know others better?
And the world spins,
but it ends there… and there too,
it starts again.


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