I Learn To See The Big Picture

I learn that sometimes,
I’ve got to see the big picture to understand something better.

And to capture that view,
firstly, I need to pull myself away from that something or someone,
or between, or both.

I learn that being too close to something,
could blind you about what’s really going on and what’s not.

I learn that getting closer doesn’t mean you’ll understand more, or less.
It’s just, that’s not the way things work here.
Proximity isn’t really a factor for intimacy, I guess.

I learn that loving someone, doesn’t always mean you can make him/her happy.

Sometimes, you gotta pull away, pull yourself freaking away and…
see the big picture.

I learn that holding onto your belief could be false too,
the thing you think is right, has a chance to be wrong.
Just because you think something is right, it doesn’t make it right.
Just because you think that the sun is cold, it doesn’t make it cold.
It won’t. The sun’s still igneous.

I learn that feelings are not eternal.
Sometimes you’re sad about something, but you move on.
Sometimes you’re happy about something, but you need to go on.
Sometimes you’re empty, and you need to feel sad or happy.
Sometimes, being sad is better than being empty.

I learn that sometimes, sometimes happens.
There’s always a chance for everything to happen.
That means, there’s also always a chance that nothing will happen.
And when it happens, it happens.
But when it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

I learn that things are going to change,
whether you like it or not,
whether it’s neccessary or not,
whether you realize it or not,
whether you accept it or not.

I learn that I’ll always have something new to learn about.
I learn that what I learn won’t always make me smart,
I learn about inconsistency, cognitive dissonance,
The thing we called “between”.

I learn that when I found myself lost and dumbfounded, sometimes,
what I need to do is to pull myself away.
A moment. Awhile.
To see the big picture…

I learn that in the end,
maybe what I really need to have to survive is…
an understanding,
or at least,
the willing to understand…

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This Tumbleweed Stuck In A Rut

*

**

***

Hope springs eternal?

Zero agreement to that.

I sent myself to the coventry.

***

Well, let me do a small confession

This thing is haunting me, in a worse way than a ghost can do.

Because no matter how bright my surrounding

or how many people are there beside me is.

***

I feel uneasy. I worry. I fear.

I don’t have the worst problem in the world.

But that’s another problem.

I feel like I’m in one. And that’s why no one cares.

Because I am not?

***

I feel like I’m stuck in a rut.

I wonder, what could go more wrong at this point.

Things aren’t broken.

My mind is.

***

Leaving isn’t a choice.

Staying is not a good deal, either.

Whatsoever, I can’t just leave myself, right?

***

I suppose, I begin to dis-exist.

Read me. Look at me.

I’m like the tumbleweed on the desert.

I try to roll and pretend like nothing is bugging me at all.

Like the wind is the only thing matters in my life.

***

But whenever you see me,

you know that I’m bringing the sign of loneliness and exilation.

I guess, I need to reinvent myself.

Where am I going to roll?

Here?

There?

Or Between?

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The Power Of Being Alone

Most of the days I wish you’re there for me are over.
Turned out, I handled them by myself. And I am proud of myself for that.

Why I ever thought I couldn’t go on without you anyway? Should I know I am this strong, I wouldn’t begged a candy from a stranger.

Can’t believe I even once sent myself to a conventry. Pretend like I’m a tumbleweed stuck in a rut, rolling lost, hollow, and done, in an empty desert.

I laughed at how silly I was. I am actually capable of being happy by my own. That’s ultimate. Most people feel strong when they’re coupled. I’d say, I’m stronger in my own way. With or without a lover. My internal are stronger than the external.

I am not single, I am in a relationship with myself.

I am focused. I put myself first, I make myself happy, I protect myself from being hurt, I love myself. And if someone tells me that I am wrong to feel that way or to live my life that way. I wonder what I or other people in my position should be feeling?

Lonely? Put ourselves last before people so we can be loved? Be sad so people will pity us? Be distracted by everyone who’s offering love? Be fragile and wait for someone to mend our wounds? Hate ourselves? No, big no-no!

I will be happy, it’s not mainstream. Most people won’t understand. But I won’t rush, if I meet someone who’s right, I will try. If it doesn’t work, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just wasn’t meant to be. Of course.

Whichever way, I can still be happy.

Yeah. Most of the days I wish you’re there for me are over.
Turned out, I’ve found the power of being alone.
And I am happy. And that’s ultimate.

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Last Night’s Dream

***

Last night I had this dream of you.
You were here, in my house. Out of sudden.
I was in shock, but a positive one.
Because that meant I had a chance.
Would you stay?
Could you tell me why?
Should I ask?
I was perplexed. I was thrilled.

My family seemed to like you.
Really, I knew it’s just a dream.
And, for God dammit.
I’ve never had any crush to show up in my dream.
Why you did it?
And why now?
After these broken 4 months?
Was it because the tv show I watched?
Or the movie I caught?
Walking Dead and The Cabin In The Woods?
No way, they’re irrelevant.

And in my dream we conversed.
I forgot what’s it all about.
But I bet it’s good, because I believe you choose to stay.
Here, with me.
Which meant you left your 3-year-old-relationship with your current boyfriend.
Yeah, I know I’m a dirty bitchy mistress.
I wish your relationship breaks, even in my dream.
I hate myself for that. I know it’s wrong, but what can I do?
I cut and destroyed every connection with you.
But, see? You showed up in my dream.

I can’t deny how much I like it, to hear your voice.
In my dream, for crying out loud.
Even though it’s just in my sleep.
And I wonder why can’t someone else be more like you.
Make me mad like you did.
Someone available.
So I won’t be the evil third person here, or there, or between.

I dreamt of you.
And I wickedly wish that dream could come true.
I am sorry, but I like you that much.

Dammit, I wish liking you is just a dream too.
So, I could just wake up, and I’ll find myself sane again. Not like this.

And now, I don’t know which dream I want to wish to come true anymore.
Dammit, you even made my dream complicated.
No wonder my real world turned upside down when I met you.

The dream. You. Me.
Dammit.
Everything just… feels so surreal now.

***

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Beyond Retrospect (Prolog)

Prose by: Irwan Juanda

Also available in Indonesian Version

***

I went home while holding afterthoughts, something which is more to be sheets of cotton blanket inside my head. Tender, adorable, and sweet. My steps are like floating, as though I just got out from a different world. When 2 stalks of flower-which forsythia I’ve no idea about-came to my sight by the edge of the river that is going to my house, I was recalled of the two persons I just interviewed. Nikita and Jeremy.

You can say I am dumb, silly, or whatsoever. But as a journalist, I suppose their story is compelling, and  precious. Inspiring, to be exact. So I wrote this, as chances are this tale won’t get to be published on the magazine I am working for. Instead what’s what, but the magazine I am working for is an automotive magazine. Well yes, I am kind of ridiculous.

Yet, here’s how I caught this story. First of all I was covering a story about a motorcycle lovers club in this place, then I was introduced to the chairman of the club. “He’s easily recognized. There’s a long scar on his face.” This was the clue I had and turned out to be completely right because at the time I met him, I knew that he is… him. There’s a line of deep scar starting from his forehead to almost-half of his right face, I mean, what are the chances for 2 persons to have that same kind of scar? So, yup, that must be him.

I didn’t know anything about this man, but the first impression I got from him was that he is reticent, intensely quiet. I need to emphasize here, not stolid, but solemn, tough, like a rock, well I don’t really know how to describe him, but surely he is quiet. When I was interviewing him, he didn’t speak much, the kind of perplexing informant for me, then at some point he abruptly said, “there’s a  more appropriate person you need to meet for this thing.”

“Who is it?”

“Nikita.”

It’s his wife. Since 12 years ago.

***

“Hi,” Nikita addressed me with risen hands, bulging eyes, and ‘O’-letter mouthed when she saw me appeared from Jeremy’s back. Expressive. Besides that, the other first things that got to my attention were a big black-thick framed eyeglasses that she wore and her overhead-pigtailed hair, she looked like a tulip lady, a tulip lady with smart vestige.

While saying, “I am cooking, so, beg your pardon if I must make you wait. Problem is I just learnt this, and I am deeply worried and afraid that I am going to make my dishes overcooked into ashes. If they are, you bet that couldn’t be good since they’re going to be our lunch. Oh right, you haven’t had your lunch, have you? I bet you haven’t, so, well… I immediately added the portion when Jem told me you’d come.” And many more, Nikita brought me to the living room. Then the sound of something boom-ed in the kitchen made her rush there. Then in another second she came back with flashing movements, “but you don’t mind to have lunch with me and Jem, right? You haven’t planned anything with your lover or whoever it is, have you?”

I shook my head. Nikita nodded with excitements, “Great!”

At the same time, Jeremy who’s right behind Nikita’s back walked-need to note: soundless-to the kitchen when he seemed to see something was flickeringly-sparking from there (the kicthen is positioned at the left side after passing a corridor-like space which 2 big fully-bookloaded bookcases were existed on its left and right sides). In short time after that something boom-ed again. “For Shakespeare! My dishes!” Nikita disappeared again right after telling me to wait in the living room.

Nikita and Jeremy’s living room was themed with Victorian touch, believe it or not, there’re Bal du moulin de la Galette by Pierre-Auguste Renoir and Woman Reading by Henri Matisse paintings facing one another in that room, though I was sure they’re imitations. I mean, for real? What’s weirder was, why those two paintings were in this room? Though am not an art lover, I knew the two elements of those two paintings are far-widely varied to one another as I heard or read from a source I couldn’t remember anymore. But, oh well, I don’t want to explain too much since this tale is supposedly not about Nikita and Jeremy’s living room, nor about those paintings.

While waiting in the living room, I could hear Nikita’s ear-popping voice from the kitchen.

“Just three tea-spoons, Jem. Three. As I read, it ought to be three unless it’d taste weirdly bizzare.”

But I failed to catch Jeremy’s reply.

“We must stir it with a movement creating the ‘M’ letter, Jem. This movement will help the flavors to mix.”

I still failed to hear Jeremy’s voice.

“Jem, please get me a bowl.”

Oh well, at least I got to make sure one thing nonetheless kept failing to hear Jeremy’s voice (or he actually didn’t say anything at all?).

 Point 7: Nikita calls Jeremy with “Jem”

Nikita and Jeremy seemed to still need much more time to deal in the kitchen, so I explored 3 books sprawled on a round wooden table in that room. First book was Half The Sky written by Nicholas D. Kristof, then there’s Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn, and the last (also the most compelling for me) was Codex Alimentarius, which contents were less or more consisted of basis, code of practices and other internationally approved recommendations related to the making and safety of food and of course the food itself. Those two paintings, and Codex Alimentarius. Seriously, this is unusual.

Half an hour later Nikita came back, Jeremy’s seen bringing portions of dishes to the other direction of the house behind her. Truth is I was a bit confounded, it’s not about feeling that they’re impolite, but what I mean is, even so Jeremy was (as said) an ex-thug or so, letting a barely known person to be alone in a quite long time like this in your house, when worse, there’s  one of the most expensive paintings in the world looking free to be taken away (notwithstanding the fact it’s most probably fake), what’s in the heck is in this husband and wife’s very mind?

“Sorry for keep you waiting for this much long time. Like I said, I just learnt the art of cooking. Haha…” Nikita laughed politely. Her tulip hair moved adorably while she did it.

“Oh, no worries. Your living room is very cozy, frankly I am not lying, I even am willing to be left much longer here.”

“Really?” Nikita looked flattered by my answer before her expression changed into a jolt when she saw a thing she called, “ah, there there my cooking book! Turned out I put it here.”

Guess what’s the book she meant.

***

“So, how long have you been a journalist?” Nikita asked after finished serving lunch she cooked. The three of us sat neatly on the table. I was facing Nikita. Jeremy sat on her right side. When they sat like this, I could see chemistry sparkles between them. Two, odd couple, looked good and bad together at the same time. An anomaly, I suppose.

“Almost 2 years. 1 year, 11 months, 27 days, to be exact.”

“Haha. Detailed. I like that.” Nikita, she took a mouthful vegetable to Jeremy’s plate.

Jeremy started eating without much talking, actually, he hadn’t even talked at all since he took me to this house of his.

“So, I think now we can start your interview while eating. Relax, in this house, there’s no rule that says ‘no talking while eating’, someone can talk when he wants to, and can not-to-talk when he doesn’t want to. Isn’t that so, Jem?” Nikita.

Jeremy gave smile with his closed mouth to Nikita. I am sure that meant, “Yes.”

Then, Nikita began telling about Jeremy’s motorcycle lover club. How it all started, its purpose, and stuffs. In one of her utterances, Nikita also mentioned Jeremy’s ‘credibility’ as the chairman of the club.

“Someone needs not to talk much to be a good leader. Leader, boss, or anything with the same position with it, gives examples, not orders. Your actions are more important than your words. That’s my opinion.”

But after reaching some point (actually since getting into that house), I was no longer possessing any interest in the motorcycle lover club material as planned before. There’s something else more ticklish to be explored.

“Sorry. But… can we talk about you guys instead?”

(To Be Continued)

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